I just don't know how to feel...

We got the Independent Expert Evaluations back that we asked for through the school district. Keep in mind that I asked for these back in March and they were finally approved in May and completed last week. It was exhausting to have Josh go through these evals. but very important. We found out some pretty shocking info on him. Somethings I knew some I suspected but was very sad to see in black and white. He has Auditory processing disorder ( i knew that but the school district was fighting me on), Sensory processing disorder (which I suspected but was not shocked to find out), and that on top of being bipolar and all the other things, they found him to be borderline mentally retarded. With a IQ score of only 72. That was the part that was a Little shocking. I mean I knew that he was behind and developmentally delayed but borderline Mentally retarded. I was just not prepared for that. When I went to therapy last Thursday, Jaimee Josh's therapist said" I want to discuss the outcome of his neuropshyc eval." I was excited to find out the results. Then she broke the news to me. I could hear her say the words but I could not process them. She asked me " are you alright I know this is a lot to process". I said sure I am and played it off like I suspected this all along. The truth is that it knocked me over. I felt like I hit a brick wall going a hundred miles per hour. I still am having a hard time processing it. I mean it makes sense but how am I going to help him in this world. I know that this is still my sweet little guy that I have always known. He didn't change just because he got yet another label but somehow things where different. I was different. I just don't know how to digest all of this. To top off everything else we think his meds need to be adjusted again and we don't see his new neurologist until August. I hope this is the right doctor. I am running out of patience and options.

What in the world?????

This has been a world wind adventure to say the least. We saw the new psychiatrist in Temecula. He was very interesting. To make things short, let's just say we did not like him. I was entertaining the idea of just keeping him for medication purposes but God intervened and we got a phone call to say that this particular pshyc is longer accepting our insurance. coincidence? I think not. We are now going to see a neurologist at Loma Linda in August. I will let you all know how that goes. We have also been going through our independent expert evaluations for the school district. We have already completed the OT portion, we will finish the speech tomorrow and the neuro pshyc on Friday. I will be very interested to see what they have to say. Well Children call so I will update more later.

Today I choose...

Today is Josh's 5th birthday. Yes we did go to therapy today. Yes we did have several melt downs today. I however, choose to celebrate today and not think of what problems there are now or what lies ahead. I choose to celebrate the fact that he is alive, we are his parents and I am blessed enough to have him in my life. For today I choose to just love on him and treat him as special as he is. I love him with all my heart. Today I choose love.

Some days I wonder...

Some days I wonder why I can't get through to Josh or if I ever will. He has had a really tough couple of weeks. This past weekend was especially hard. His anxiety has reached new heights of frustration for our family. He starts out early in the morning about 7 crying and saying " my tummy hurts I want daddy". Then precedes to cry with this statement on and off all day long. He goes between this and screaming at me over and over again hour after hour. It makes me feel like a failure as a mom and very stressed that I can not help him. I try everything from cuddling him to yelling at him. Nothing works. It is not that his tummy really hurts, this is how his anxiety manifests itself. It is extremely frustrating not to be able to help him. We are trying to get into a new psychiatrist which is going very slow. I hope we can get an appointment soon I think we need to adjust his meds. I know God has a plan in all of this, I just wish I knew what it was.

Sometimes being a mom is good, sometimes not so good!!!

Being a mom of 4 is really fun some days. Some days not so much. Today is one of those days. Josh had a hard morning, then I dropped him off at school. I decided to take Hailee to the library only to find out it was closed. She was not a happy camper and decided that I needed a nine year old attitude problem the rest of the day. Things were going well this afternoon until my oldest came home and thought it was a good idea to fight and argue with her sister about who put what on the floor of their room. Does it really matter people??? Just clean up the room and no one gets hurt. I mean seriously does it really matter??? Then when I picked up Josh from school two firetrucks were in the parking lot. I initially thought they might be there for the kids to see but then quickly realized that they were there for a fire. Yes a fire. Now it did not affect Josh at all other than their whole class had to be outside all day. It was a small fire but it got me thinking. How can I protect him if I am not there with him. Now I know this is crazy thinking after all I can't always be with him 24/7. Do I really want to send him to school? That is the question I ask myself everyday. I guess I will never know. To update you all on his therapy situation, we have a new therapist. She seems to be very knowledgeable in kids that have been adopted through the county. We have only been to her once together and Josh really seemed to like her. We are still going to Jaime every other week right now. As far as the school district stuff well I have not heard anything yet. I will let you know as soon as I hear something.

Changes...

We finally found a new therapist that will see us using Josh's Medical. I didn't want to have to use his medical for this but we are out of options. Our first appointment is tomorrow. I get to see them first by myself to discuss all of his problems and to get an accurate picture of who Josh is. I hope and pray that this will be the path that God wants us to go down now. They seem to be very knowledgeable with county kids. I also have another friend that takes her son there and really likes it. On another note, I have officially asked the school district to do an Independent expert evaluation. This means that the school district now has to send Josh to 3 different specialist to get an accurate diagnosis, and they have to pay for it. I really was not looking forward to asking for this but they have been fighting me every step of the way so now they have to do what is right. I hope this will happen soon before he is placed with his kindergarten teacher. I will keep all of you posted on what happens next on these two fronts.

Are you kidding me ????

Having a child with special needs is very taxing on your emotions, finances, friendships and marriages. Right now our marriage is great and having Josh has taught us to cling to each other for dear life because, well safety in numbers . Emotionally every day brings new challenges, some days I do well and others well lets just say that chocolate is my drug of choice. LOL!! Finances well this is what I am talking about now. Financially we are struggling as well as everyone else on the planet is right now. However, there are things that Josh needs like therapy, medication and school that is not free or cheap. He has an amazing therapist that just has worked wonders with him, however now we have come to the end of our insurance benefits. You see most insurances only cover 30 visits a year for mental health conditions. We have used up all our benefits for this year. Of course there is a little law that is called the mental health parody act that came into effect as of January 1st this year but my insurance company wants to fight us on it and tell us that it is not covered until our next service year that starts in September. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I am so tired of this can't they just realize that I have a son that has a serious mental health problem and that it is already very difficult to find someone that will even treat him because he is so young. I found the perfect person to work with him but they longer cover it and I can't afford to go until September. This makes me so sad and mad at the same time. This brings me to his medications, now we have to find a doctor that will treat him and follow him on his meds. This however, can not be a psychiatric doctor because we don't have any more benefits for that. Calgon take me away!!! Alright enough with the rants and raving time to go to church. I know God has a plan in all of this.